OK, so maybe it's too late for getting into the 2014 Winter Olympics. Maybe I procrastinated a tad too long or maybe just the thought of staying outdoors long enough during the winter to be good at anything other than shivering was a deterrent. either way, now is the time to start preparing for the Summer games. I'm thinking….Diving. I mean, how hard can that be? Hell, gravity does most of the work, the diver just needs to make it look good. Kind of like elegant falling.
The trick is to start small and work up. Off a curb and into a puddle (just need to make sure it isn't a Chicago pot hole-that'd be too much too soon). Equipment cost is pretty low too. I'm thinking cutoffs and a Bob Marley t-shirt, sort of a '70s retro thing. Who's ready to start a team?
all right then, I'll start it off..let's see who adds on
He sees you when you're sleeping
He's standing in the dark
He watches as you go to work
and he follows you to the park
Santa Stalker
Da Da ta Da Da
So many barges to tote, bales to lift, so little time.
A guy at work is selling a piper cub airplane. Maybe I'll buy it, I mean, flying an airplane can't be hard unless, of course, you want to fly it more than once.
The human foot is a remarkable thing. It moves us forward, backward, allows us to run, turn, jump, etc.. When a woman wears a pair of high heels she diminishes many of these attributes plus they’re probably painful to wear.
All in the name of vanity.
Now then, a motorcycle is a remarkable machine and one of it’s best attributes is it’s ability to handle. To cut through a corner at a high speed, to quickly move left or right with just a slight lean of the rider. When a guy puts ape hanger bars of his bike he loses those qualities plus they’re probably painful to ride with for any real distance.
All in the name of vanity.
Is there any difference?
It's only scary if you talk to yourself then answer yourself in a language you don't know.
Saturday status: Get paint for the garage…check. Paint trims and cut ins…check. Slice head on track of garage door…check. Realize that we have a lot of blood running around in our heads…check. Consider E.R. but think it’s better to finish a job once started…check. Thankful that my wife is sensible and we have hydrogen peroxide, gauze and plenty of bandages…check. (By the way kids, a bit of advice-always either work near or carry sharp galvanized steel in case the need should arise to slice your head. Best to be prepared.) Now, back to the day….eat a sandwich for lunch…check. Go back to the garage and immediately realize the door has locked behind me…check. Remember placing keys on the kitchen table…check. Realize the only other person with keys, my wonderful wife, is visiting her parents - in Krakow…check. Relying on MacGiver and Walenda skills, use step ladder, tip toes and ability to still do a pull up ( at least one) to gain access through second story bedroom window…check. Finish panting garage…check. Go back inside to the sound of our inert cat crying for food because her life is just, oh, so f’in hard…Big Check! A great big merry-go-round of pleasure.
Can’t wait to see what tomorrow will bring.
I was going through a self-checkout line yesterday and the prompt came on to "select a payment option from list below". I looked through it but couldn't find the "firm handshake and a promise to pay when my ship comes in" option! What's this country coming to?
I remember years ago I was sitting in a train on my way to work thinking of all the people that were involved in manufacturing the train I was on. The laborers, the designers, the engineers. Then I thought of all the events that led up to the manufacturing of that train. The establishment of Chicago. The discovery of America. People moving from agricultural to industrial societies. Nomadic tribes evolving into agricultural villages. The migration out of Africa. The invention of fire, steel, cloth, plastics, the wheel.
All of humanity being born, reproducing and dying.
It seemed to me that all of human history had culminated in that moment, on that train.
Then I realized that all of human history culminates in every moment, in every life.
I've always lived by the Who's lyric "hope I die before I get old", it's just that the definition of "get old' keeps changing.
I’ve read that BMW is developing a self-balancing motorcycle.
No…No…No and again, No.
Now comes the rant:
If you need, or want, a self-balancing vehicle…don’t buy a motorcycle.
If you need, or want, a three wheeled vehicle…don’t buy a motorcycle.
If you already have a three wheeled vehicle…don’t call it a motorcycle unless the third wheel is attached to a sidecar.
If, when deciding to buy a motorcycle, blue tooth connectivity, stereo sound, heated grips, heated seat, cup holders, etc. are a part of your decision making process…don’t buy a motorcycle.
A motorcycle should be as close to an engine, two wheels, handlebars and a seat as possible. In the case of the great and crazy Rollie Free - the seat is even optional.
With all due respect, this is merely my opinion and not meant to offend the barcalounger on wheels crowd.
But then the term “barcalounger on wheels” might be offensive in itself.
There you go.
Another hit to the ego. Here I am, all this time thinking I'm pretty fast until, while watching the 100M at Rio, I realize the 9.81 time they're talking about is in seconds. Whod’ve thought?
So, the first gold medal was in the 10m air rifle. I assume the target was either a stop sign or a street light.
I opened a fortune cookie this morning and it said "Lucky is coming to you."
Who the hell is Lucky and what does he want with me?
Why wait for tonight?
Wang Chung right now!
I'll carpe tomorrow.
Today I'm napping.
Watching a Thin Man movie and trying to convince Ala I need to change my name to Rainbow Benny.
Bill Nye, the science guy, says that tomorrows solar eclipse will be a once in a lifetime moment.
Every moment is a once in a lifetime moment.
I saw a program that showed when you turn a shark upside down in the water it becomes catatonic.......seems easy enough.
Olympic Swimmer Michael Phelps to Race Against Great White Shark on 'Shark Week'.....I think incentive will be on Phelps' side
Watching the news talking about election recounts in several Florida races. Commentators and pundits are saying how incompetent Florida voting officials are. I have to disagree. Just spend a few months in this bizarro world of a state and you'd realize it's completely normal for Florida. We just move the scale for incompetent into the "unable to clasp velcro shoes" area of the graph.
I had a DNA test done, turns out I'm 23% mortal.
My problem with Garfunkel.
So, here’s the thing, I think Paul Simon wrote some of the greatest songs in the past hundred years or so. Sounds of Silence, The Boxer, Bridge Over Troubled Waters, etc.. But, for me, he never struck me like Dylan, Townes Van Zandt, Willie Nelson, etc.. because Simon and Garfunkel always came across as too clean cut, too collegiate. Simon’s songs are full of loneliness, despair. They’re bleak. They say a lot about the human tragedy but they always sound too freaking pretty and there is my problem with Garfunkel. I know Simon is a major star and all but take Garfunkel out of the picture with his swooning falsetto, pleasing harmonies and sweater vests and just have Simon sing them on his own and, voila, into the realm of Dylan, Van Zandt, et al.. At least for me.
Also, what is this about Garfunkel hating Simon? I mean come on!! Has anyone had a better riding of the coattails then Garfunkel?
A friend was over and told us about her belief that you should be able to get what you want. I mentioned there was a guitar I wanted. She said I should just go get it. This will require breaking into Jimmy Page's house.
We're having our master bath remodeled and I just found out the lead contractor was a helper with the hog farm at Woodstock when he was 18. How cool is that?
So, as some of you might be aware, there was a time, about 150 yrs. or so ago, that I played guitar. Never very well and I played not for the love of playing guitar but because I wanted to be Jimmy F’in Page. Well……that never happened! (obviously). In the time between then and now I’ve had a few guitars which for the most part took up space under a bed in a spare room. So today Ala and I were out and she wanted to shop in a store that just happened to be next to a Guitar Center. I said I’ll be at Guitar Center, call me when you’re done shopping and ready to go. She said “You just sold a guitar and the one you still have you never play”. This being true I assured her I would not by a guitar.
So now I’m the proud owner of a cool drum set!
Here's a tip on saving money - never go to a car dealership calling itself an "auto studio".
We're getting ready to move to a single story home and I want to install a stairlift. I know there aren't any stairs but I want to install one around the entire interior circumference of the house. So I be in the living room and meet Ala in the kitchen in about 20 minutes. That'd be cool. On the other hand, and in regards to Barry Egan, I could install a Honda 750 engine to it so that 20 minute trip to the kitchen could be cut down to 2 seconds.
The appraiser for our town home is in today. I think I helped our case by telling him that Shakespeare was born here. This should really add to the value.
Today I learned the gas tank for a Ford Model T was located under the front seat. That seems very dangerous and I'm thankful they resolved that issue with the Ford Pinto.
If you ask me, and I admit no one has, but if anyone did, I'd say that one of the most important printed documents in human history has to have been the Sears Christmas Wish Book.
It’s November 8th and they've put up Chrismas lights in the shopping district already. This makes sense considering it's Florida and they probably wanted to put them up before the temperature plummets into the 70's.
These three words have caused more rage, more heartbreak, have led to more sorrow and disillusionment than any others that I know of.........................kink free hose.
Has anyone else noticed how daylight savings time is much more of a pain than it used to be now that EVERY F'IN APPLIANCE IN OUR HOUSE HAS A CLOCK!!!!
Imagine if you were a bird and were afraid of heights. That would be a big problem.
I've reached the point where I don't know if I want to be bad-to-the-bone or just take a nap.
Well alright then, we’ve got a brand new item showing just how bazaar Florida gets.
Some very “sane” guy was holding up in a Daytona hotel room threatening to explode a grenade.
While this isn’t all that off the charts crazy for anywhere in America today how the police nabbed him is pure Florida. After talking with him they went into a convenience store across the street from the hotel and bought a bottle of Coca-Cola. They then placed the bottle in the hallway of the hotel, outside of his room. When he came out to get the Coke they tased him and he was apprehended.
Sort of like using a snack to coax a cat out from under the sofa. Gotta love life in Florida.
Now, don”t ask me how it all got started because I don’t know if his original problem might or might not have been the cost of a Coke from the hotel room mini-fridge, lack of meds, too many meds, the convenience store didn’t offer delivery or whatever, but I do think this would make a really cool Coke commercial.
I read that two people crossed Lake Michigan on water skis, from Wisconsin to Michigan. A distance of sixty two miles. I humbly congratulate them for breaking my record of three and a half feet.
Watching the opening of the men's championship at Wimbledon and the cameras followed the players as they came out of the locker room and walked through the clubhouse to the court. With all the turns, steps, etc. they took to get to the court I had to think of Spinal Tap and how it'd be pretty cool if they got lost a few times.
We're at the Oslo airport waiting for our flight to Orlando. We are boarding at Gate F-18 which I can only assume means our 9 hour flight will be cut down to about 45 minutes.
OK, so, I’m going to vent for a bit…about the 80’s band A Flock Of Seagulls so please bear with me.
I was watching a show about music in the 80’s and an old interview with A Flock Of Seagulls (hereafter referred to as AFOS or unworthy idiots - depends) was shown. The interviewer mentioned that people had referred to them, AFOS, as the new Beatles and asked them what they thought of that. Now a worthy idiot would have said they were honored but don’t feel they’re at that level - you know…respect those that came before you type of stuff. The Beatles, and pretty much every other band, respected Elvis, the Stones loved Muddy Waters, etc.. But AFOS? Oh no, They said the Beatles were twenty years ago and that they, unworthy idiots, were the new things. Dissing the Beatles.
I say to AFOS - imagine you’re in a band and one of the members writes: “Here comes the sun”, “While my guitar gently weeps” and “Something”. In my humble opinion these three songs alone overshadow the entire AFOS collection not to mention that “Something” is regarded as one of the most beautiful love songs ever written.
Now take into account that the person who wrote those iconic songs wasn’t even the primary songwriter(s) of your band.
So, to AFSO, yes the Beatles were 20 years ago in the 80’s but it’s 2019 and how is “I Ran (so far away)” holding up as opposed to pretty much anything done by the Beatles?
I asked someone how they were doing and they replied "taking it one day at a time". I think this is a great idea....taking it one day at a time. So I'm taking today as November 14th, 1796 (although due to the level of personal hygiene in 1796 I may be sleeping in the garage tonight but it'll be well worth it).
Joey Ramone would have been 71 years old today. Why can't time stand still? Gabba Gabba Hey!
I just finished a book I’d recommend if you want to take a deeper dive into the Russian invasion of Ukraine, “The road to unfreedom” by Timothy Snyder. He tells the history of the two countries (Kyiv was a major trading center before Moscow existed). He also delves into the Russian Nationalist writers that Putin follows, believes and promotes such as Ivan Ilyan. Ilyan wrote that Russia is the only pure and innocent country and has been attacked by outside, primarily western, influences throughout its existence. Russia needs to be led by an autocratic redeemer who will vanquish the west and create Russia as the leading world power. He also talks about Russia’s cyber influence in the 2016 election and how Russia is working to upset western alliances such as NATO, the EU and the UN. A very informative, eye opening and somewhat scary read.
I just read that the football from Tom Brady's last touchdown pass sold for $518,000 dollars. A short time later Brady announced he's returning to the Bucs next season.
This makes me feel a little better about buying that Ford Pinto all those years ago.
I realize I'm just OCD enough that I should not have stainless steel appliances. Every smudge, every damn smudge.
So now that Tom Brady has announced his retirement I’d thought I’ll let him know a few of the things he can expect, seeing as I’ve been retired for four years now.
So Tom, if you’re reading this, here are a few things to expect in this next chapter of your life.
1. Daytime tv sucks. Even Oprah is gone.
2. Most conversations from now on will be about three things - medical procedures, grandchildren and home repairs.
3. You don’t have to plan going out around work. You can go out any night of the week and stay out late.
4. Late is 9pm.
5. You will really need to start taking care of yourself. The ease of youth is long gone. Say for example you reach a target weight, good for you. But eat one brownie and it’ll set you back three months.
6. You’ll experience the ability to nap. Anytime, anywhere. It’s like a superpower. Kind of like being a superstar NFL player only way more cool.
7. Keep a calendar handy or you’ll forget where whole weeks went.
Well, good luck and if you need someone to talk to about this retirement thing just call, we can meet at Denny’s for breakfast at 10 or maybe dinner at 4 at the latest. We’ll need to work around the rush hours.
Every now and then something will happen that makes me remember a singer I’ve long since forgotten. A good friend of ours gave us tickets to a play about Buddy Holly. One of the things I played to introduce Ala to Buddy Holly was “American Pie” by Don McLean. I had forgotten how great the beginning of that song was when he was singing about Holly’s death. Then we went to our son’s wedding and there were two cellos playing. Ala posted a short video of them and I was trying to place the song they were playing in the video. It finally came to me that it was “Vincent”, again by Don McLean. I’d forgotten how much of a great songwriter and singer he is. I'm happy he's back on my mind and that Alexa has such a large catalog.
Traveling as it is now: Coming home from Rochester, N.Y.. We had a 5:45pm flight to Newark and then an 8:45pm flight to Sarasota. This would have given us an hour and a half layover between flights. Should be good you think? Well, the 5:45 flight to Newark was delayed until a little after 9. Due to weather? No. Mechanical problems? Nope. Due to the lack of personnel in Rochester. To begin there were only two United employees serving 4 gates. Then, when our plane was on the ground there weren’t enough ground staff to guide it to the gate. Our plane waited in line to be led to the gate. So we missed our connecting flight home. It was after 10pm when we got to Newark were we were rebooked for the first flight out the next morning - 7am. The line at the United customer service desk was packed and it was going to be at least 2am until we would be able to get any resolution such as hotel and food vouchers. Seeing as how we would need to be back at the airport by 5am to make our 7am flight, and that the United voucher system was down anyway, we decided to stay all night at the airport. Then at 4:30am I see that our 7am flight had been canceled. Back to customer service (were, although we were told it operates 24/7, we had to wait until 5:20 for someone to reopen the office). We were then rebooked again for 8:30am. That fight did actually make it out of Newark but about an hour late. Our son and daughter-in-law had issues on another airline in getting home. Also, our daughter and son-in-law, also on United, had about a 2 hour delay in leaving Rochester. I tell you, currently having to fly has taken the previous level of misery and made it exponentially worse. I feel sorry for the airline personnel who are just trying to make the best of a bad thing and doing the most they can to make our travels as good as they can be. Thankfully every fellow passenger also seemed to realize this and were all respectful and kind to the airline staff. So there was that positive aspect.
Here's some information if anyone is thinking of moving to Florida. The maintenance for a single family house is way, way more than for a house up north. You don't buy a house so much as you take on a new career. You have three choices: 1) become a maintenance contrator 2) give contractors complete access to your bank accounts or 3) set back and watch everything fall apart. I'm leaning toward 3.
There was a news bulletin today that authorities were seeking help in identifying body parts found in the bay. After some checking I can say with a good amount of certainty that none of them are mine.
Oven, microwave, stove fan, coffee maker!!!, three outdoor lights timers, sprinklers timer, pool filter timer, three analog clocks and yet I'm sure there's at least one I forgot.
Just turned on the tv and the Cornhole American Cornhole League Pro Shootout is on. So now Cornhole is a sport! What's next, rock-paper-scissors? If you can do it from a barcalounger it isn't a sport. A new low in expectations.
So, Xfinity came by yesterday to fix some "noise" that had been in our line. All went well. Then, about ten minutes after the guy left I received a text from Xfinity asking me to rate my experience of the service. I selected 5 out of 1-5. Then, about two minutes later I received another text from Xfinity asking me if I would recommend their service. I said yes. Then about another two minutes later I received yet another text asking if I could write something about the positive experience of the service call. I just wrote that it went well. THEN IN LESS THAN TWO MINUTES I RECEIVED A FORTH TEXT FROM XFINITY asking me to rate my satisfaction with their overall service. I wrote that their service must be poor because they seem very insecure with it and their constant seeking of positve feedback is not only annoying but hints of deeply rooted issues. I suggested they either supply service they feel good about, seek professional help or both. Just leave me out of it. I then emailed Xfinity to ask if they received my latest text and to let me know if, on a scale of 1-5, if they felt it was a good text.
So the Bears picked up a QB that might actually be decent. This could end their QB dry spell since, roughly, forever. Now let's see if the age-old Bears game plan of: run up the middle for a yard, run up the middle again for another yard, screen pass for a yard that results in an immediate tackle, punt. If Justin Fields is a good as they say he might turn that one yard screen into two or three yards. Thus helping the punter.
With deference to "The Godfather", I think if anyone made me an offer I couldn't refuse it would probably involve pizza and a brownie.
It might just be me but when someone says "Mike, I'm here for you" I automatically assume it's a bounty hunter.
Just sold a tv stand on Nextdoor and Ala said I can keep the $20. Cold, hard, cash! Man, talk about the good life, call me Riley! I can just go out and buy that pair of socks I've been eyeballing for the last few months or put it toward the '59 Les Paul I've always wanted. The only problem with the Les Paul is that I'll need to sell 13,749 more tv stands and, unless Ala is hiding them somewhere, I don't think we have enough.
I've finally found what gets better as you age. The amazing ability to nap.....anytime......anywhere.
It's like a super power.
I told Alexa to shuffle a playlist. The first song was Johnny Cash's "I see a darkness". The second was the Stones' "Sister Morphine".
his could be a sign to just go back to bed.
Imagine being the quarterback coach for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, I think your entire job might consist of saying "do whatever you think is best Tom".
Ala likes to watch the Jim Cramer show. Lately he's been using a lot of football analogies so she asks me what he means……
I have a purpose.
It’s been awhile since I wrote about life in Sarasota but I had an experience today that, again, showed the difference between Florida and Illinois. For a reason I won’t get into I was looking on the Sarasota County web site trying to find information about our house. Specifically the size of the trusses used when our house was built in 1983 (I know I could climb into the attic and measure myself but there's an incredible amount of insulation [again - Florida] that I'd have to crawl through). I was filling out a search form until I got to a place where it was asking for more specific information that I was able to give so I backed out of the form. Well, about five minutes later I get a call from a guy from the county offices who had received my partial information form. He asked what I was looking for and this led to about a twenty minute conversation about homes, home maintenance, living in Sarasota, god and bad contractors and life in general. At the end he gave me a phone number to call for the information I needed. I called and someone picked up on the second ring. I explained what I was looking for and this guy said he would forward my request to the records department and someone would call me. The records department took about ten minutes to call me and I explained what I needed. I was told he would do a search and email me the results by end of day. Dealing with government bureaucracy here is way easy and the people are always friendly, informative and wanting to talk. Coolio!Of course the timing of a Pfizer vaccine is a concpiracy. It conveniently comes at a time when it may save the life of the well known child porn filmaker known as 'the babooshka lady'. This means she will be well enough for the leftist elites to move her to an unknown location before she can be forced to release the film she took in Dallas. A high level secret source has said that the film she took of a building shows, through an open window, the beginning construction of the set used for the moon landing. Oh, and by the way, she's Elvis.
Gravity - the force preventing me from having a lucrative career in the NBA
So, I'm in the opening stage of building new cabinets and shelves in Ala's walk in closet.
Due to my lack of any level of expertise in this I have asked her, for the love of all things, to not show me ANY ideas from Architectural Digest. She has kindly agreed. I may get through this alive.
I believe Little Debbie is applicable for each level of the food pyramid. Ala disagrees. Ala is wrong. Viva Little Debbie!!!
I just read a news story about an "elderly" woman who was walking past a club and started dancing to a band in the club playing "Highway to Hell". The story made it seem that, while heartwarming, it was odd that this "elderly" woman liked AC/DC. I guess they don't know the song was released 41 years ago and that Angus Young is 65 and Brian Johnson is 72. WTH!
There are four birthdays that have real world meanings. At sixteen you get a driver's license. At eighteen you get to vote (make sure you do). At twenty one you get to "legally" drink. Then, after a dry spell that seems to last forever, at sixty five you reach that milestone of time that says "go forth retiree and risk life and limb for you are now covered by Medicare". So it is now the month of my last meaningful birthday. Every one from now on will likely be spent sitting in a lawn chair and yelling at kids to get off my lawn or maybe traveling, provided we're ever allowed anywhere again.I'm thinking about Rock 'n Roll. Primarily if there is a definitive event that could be called the beginning of Rock. I think it has to be the first time someone smashed a lute.
So, I went to a bike store to look for a part for my old Raleigh. I saw that the racks that hold new bikes for sale were almost empty with only three left. The salesman said they can't even order new bikes, everyone is out of stock. I guess this is due to Covid. I looked at the three new ones and saw the least expensive was $2650.00. How am I going to explain this to Ala?
Just came in and Ala said dinner will be ready soon and that she bought some new fish. OMG! I had no idea she'd been using old fish all this time!
Alright, so things have taken a truly dark turn. Just spent 30 minutes watching funny pet videos.......DAMN YOU CORONAVIRUS!!!!!!
I just read that the devastating floods in Michigan have damaged a collection of Pontiac Fieros. It's tragic what the floods have done and I feel sorry for those who are suffering through this disaster but I would feel sorry for someone who collects Pontiac Fieros even without the flooding.
I'm actually happy to wear a mask when I'm out in public. I'm tired of going out and everyone asking for autographs or selfies just because they think I'm Brad Pitt. It gets really annoying.